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Not crazy - proof at last!

30/4/2010

The latest wheeze of TPTB (the powers that be) is to register and evaluate all foreign language teachers in China online, and evaluate how good they are with a series of tests. (No similar test for Chinese language teachers I note!). So yesterday, I took all three tests; General Knowledge, Psychological and Written, all timed.

It was actually very amusing, with some fantastic Chinglish and a bizarre mix of questions ranging from, "What money do people use in China?" (if you live here and don't know that, you should really consider your position!) to "What did Jerome Bruner propose about hermeneutic composability?" (Who? What? I've since looked Mr Bruner up on the internet and am none the wiser about the correct answer!). All the questions were multiple choice though, so I had a punt even if I couldn't understand the question! Some questions made me laugh out loud, eg "How much alcohol do you drink, (a) too much, (b) a lot, but under control, (c) a little each day, or (d) only on special occasions. It seems nobody can imagine a tee-total foreigner!

You get your results immediately. I got a respectable 67% in General Knowledge, with top marks in "Chinese Knowledge" and "World Affairs". Psyschologically, I scored a whopping 71% with top marks in "Drink, Mental Health, Motivation, Communication Skills, Sense of Achievement, Expressive Ability, Emotion Stability, Tendency for Violence, Tolerant Capable, Inspiring Capacity, Professional Spirit, Sense of Responsibility and Optimism"!! So, acccording to the TPTB at least, I'm sane, peaceful and optimistic. So there!

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Don't travel with these people....!

29/4/2010

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I got a funny e-mail from my friends Susie and Chris the other day which recounted the latest of their many travel jinxes! They claim that it's all a coincidence and that they are in no way responible, but you be the judge from this list of their recent trips:

1999 - Flew into Holland as a fireworks factory blew up half the town
2001 - Stood on the “Twin Towers” in New York less than a month before they were destroyed in 9/11
2002 - Toured Europe during the worst floods for decades
2003 - Toured France during the worst heatwave and forest fires in living memory
2004 - Toured Asia as the tsunami struck
2005 - Flew into London as the Bunsfield Oil Refinery blew up (largest postwar explosion in Britain. Saw the explosion from the plane)
2006 - Coup started in Thailand as they flew out ...and they landed in Burma just as a dissident crackdown started
2010 - Visited Poland just before the Prime Minister and wife died in a aeroplane crash
2010 - Flew into UK just as Icelandic volcano ash closed down all air travel

So if you see their names on your flight manifest, I suggest you take the next plane...... no, really....!!

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Water kerfuffle

28/4/2010

Today I was part of a team delivering water to a drought-stricken part of Yunnan. Our school had raised enough to buy 250 large bottles of water and the money to replace a broken water tank there. We set off in a convey of a truck (carrying the water) and three cars but, within 20 minutes, we had all become separated from each other and everyone was equally lost! It turned out that only the truck driver knew the way there, and he was long gone. The "2 hour" journey finally took us 5½ hours! The Primary School is in a very picturesque setting, but although the school buildings looked quite modern, the state of the children's clothing showed the very real poverty in the area.

After the water bottles were unloaded by the excited students [see photo] there followed the usual inappropriate school meeting on the playground - 250 little kids forced to stand to attention in 40ºC heat while leaders shouted at them with microphones and I gave a short, and probably unintelligible, speech in simple Chinese. Then we handed out a bottle of water, a notebook, a pencil and an eraser to each student.

We also brought a large poster, signed with the best wishes of hundreds of our Kunming students [see photo]. As I wandered around the school, the students were very fearful of me at first (their first foreigner up close?) but warmed up with a couple of magic tricks and a few smiley handshakes.

Later we visited a local village perched on a hill but were asked not to take photographs as (a) it was so poor that the villagers were embarrassed, and (b) it isn't actually as poor as some people think and they didn't want donations (like the surrounding fields) to "dry up"! A great example of Chinese "doublethink"! However, it's no laughing matter to be dependent on crops that fail when the rains don't come.

Lose win(dows)

27/4/2010

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D-Day has arrived (D standing for dirt and destruction)! The wreckers from TBTB (the powers that be) have finally arrived to demolish the balconies in my living room and bedroom. Thankfully the kitchen and spare room can keep their balconies, as they don't overlook a public road. Since those two are used to house my kitchen sink and for drying clothes respectively I am, at least, losing the two least used balconies. The workers have been smashing and crashing all day long, so I've been resigned to not leaving the house and yet getting very little done (at least I managed to get to the gym yesterday for my first "gentle" workout in 8 months!).

The first crew arrived at 8am this morning and put in some new and very poor quality windows flush to the wall - a really shoddy job - and left my wooden floor strewn with glass shards, nails and screws, excess lumps of grouting, cigarette butts and a thick layer of dust. Then, this afternoon, just as I cleaned away the worst of rubbish, the second crew arrived and proceeded to smash the balconies off, and screw hideous silver burglar bars to the outside of the windows (the sort that ensure you can't possibly escape in the event of a fire). Yet more cleaning up and now my flat is, apparently, "legal and beautiful" once more.

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A real aerial

25/4/2010

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My landlord paid a visit the other day to say goodbye to his balcony, fix a leaking tap and install a digital aerial box for me. I haven't been able to watch Chinese TV for over a year (though I rarely bother anyway), but for £30 a year, I can now see China's "Sports Channel" (occasionally of interest), the "English Language Channel" (useful if there's an interesting world news story) and amazingly a previously unknown (to me, at least) "WIN TV Channel" which actually shows Premiership League football - both live and highlights. So suddenly I can follow my team on TV rather than just online! Shame the season's just about to end...

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Tall story?

23/4/2010

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Having visited "Dwarf Empire" earlier this week, and then finding that no less than two of my lessons this weekend involve stories about hippo attacks(!) it was somewhat bizarre to stumble across this story in the newspaper.

Sadly, a quick Google search reveals it's a hoax, and a pretty old one at that. Undoubtedly good news for the dwarf concerned, but disappointing to those of us that enjoy a bizarre story!

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A little trip

22/4/2010

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After weeks of nagging, Ava finally laid aside her various excuses and took a day off work to drive me to the "Dwarf Empire". We were told it was just 30 minutes away, but we finally arrived after an exhausting 2½ hrs - a combination of a rather wild underestimate and getting a bit lost! First stop was an enormous plastic fake tree stump [see photo] atop a hill. Despite being hollow, you weren't allowed in it or on it and no one could quite explain what the point of it was. But it was big!

Next door was "the biggest butterfly park in China". There were disappointingly few butterflies actually there though (I think we spotted a dozen in half an hour). But it was certainly big!

And then on to the highlight of the day, the "Dwarf Empire". About 80 dwarves from all over China live and work here, none more than 1.3m (4ft) high. They were all very friendly and, when asked, said they really enjoyed living and working in the park. They quite genuinely asked me to invite some western dwarves to come join them there... as if!

The big show was due to start at 3.30pm. The park claims to get 4000 visitors a day (surely a typo?) but as the singing and dancing started, Ava and I were the only visitors in the huge outdoor auditorium. So when she sidled off (claiming the sun was too hot) there were nearly a hundred dwarves performing just for me - quite bizarre! All were dressed in fancy clothes, singing, dancing, doing magic and acrobatics, it was a wild spectacle. Where else but China could you see something like that?

After the show Ava and I wandered around the mushroom houses where the dwarves are supposed to live (they actually told me they have accommodation outside the park). But the houses are still very cute [see photo]. We also climbed a steep hill behind the houses to explore a huge (fake) castle, devoid of visitors, before heading back. It was such a nice feeling for me to "climb a hill" without any dizziness or headaches.

Ava didn't enjoy the long drive to the park, and suggested I drive back to the main highway as, "there are never any police on the country roads". I decided not to risk it (I haven't got my Chinese license ...yet) and it turned out to be a very wise decision as we came across a flipped car [see photo] right outside the park gates, with police and ambulance in attendance!

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Better late than never

20/4/2010

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The Chinese biomedical industry needn't panic just yet but, very tentatively, I think I can say I'm feeling a little better! After 8-9 months of various ailments, including persistent headaches and dizziness, Dr Yang last week suggested I simply stop taking almost all of my vast daily pill regime [see photo!] and see which syptoms improve, which persist and whether any of them return. I was delighted to do that - I'm not a fan of taking lots of medicine, but I have tried to follow medical advice as far as possible. For a change, this was a doctor telling me to stop taking medicines! Within a couple of days, I was noticing a clear-headedness that I've not had for months. A week later, I'm only having occasional and short-lived light-headedness, and none of the all-day headaches I had before. What was causing them, I still don't know, but I'm now feeling well enough to plan little trips out and think about some gentle workouts at the gym. I have a Uric Acid test later this week to see if the gout is still an issue I need to take preventative medicine for but otherwise, blip or otherwise, I am finally feeling a bit more like myself.

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Do it your shelf

19/4/2010

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I had a visit from the "Balcony Police" today. For those who haven't followed this crazy story so far, TPTB (the powers that be) have decided that all overhanging balconies are ugly and, in an effort to win a "Beautiful City of China" award, they are currently demolishing literally thousands of them. (You might think that their money would be better spent helping the hundreds of villages around the city that currently have no water or crops due to the ongoing drought?). The lady who came today to measure my balcony agreed with me privately that the new flattened facades and silver gratings were, in fact, a lot uglier than the old ornate cages [see photo], but that she was just "doing her job". The demolishers are coming sometime next week.

It seems my recent blog entry recording "only" hundreds of deaths in the Qinghai earthquake was premature. The number of dead has now risen to over 2000. And yet how soon it drops off the international news agenda.

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Translation irritation

18/4/2010

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I have the occasional look at the blog of my good friend Nita, and was a bit concerned to see a photo of her on an IV drip yesterday. However, her blog is largely in Chinese, and so I couldn't work out the reasons for her hospital trip. Undeterred, I used Yahoo's website translator, and now I know that she, "trickles the creek and roars the gallium to flog aboard. Pigtail houses change Jan in a careless brook, in the sea of the village domain." I'm glad I cleared that up!

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Toothache and headaches

17/4/2010

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I've managed to have 4 fillings this week after the toothache of last week. There's still more to do, but my kindly dentist, Prof. Liu, told me to let my mouth settle for a month or so before tackling the next bunch of cavities! She was even kind enough to ring me up this morning to check I wasn't in any further pain. The dental visit was the usual circus - patients wandering into the treatment room [see photo], drilling interrupted by phonecalls from the dentist's friends, and a gang of trainee dentists all taking the chance to gawp at the foreigner's mangled teeth.

Another visit to Dr Yang in the army hospital last Tuesday led to him suggesting I stop virtually all the medicines I've been taking for various ailments, and see how my headaches and dizziness are affected. So far, I've felt no worse. The all-day headaches are now just an occasional light-headedness, which is an improvement of sorts.

Worse news from home though, with my Dad finding out that a recently removed tumour was cancerous. None of the doctors thought it would be, so it was quite a shock for him and all the family. They will monitor him closely now, and don't think it's likely to spread. But still, not nice.

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More shocking news

16/4/2010

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Another day, and another disaster stikes China. I was sleeping when the magnitude 7.0 earthquake hit Qinghai, and I live quite some distance away [see photo], but I did feel one of the aftershocks. I wasn't sure it was a quake though and didn't bother checking online until later in the day, when I realised how bad it was.

"Only" hundreds of people have died, and not thousands, thanks to it being a sparcely populated area of West China. No consolation for those caught up in it, though. With 10,000 people injured and many thousands more without houses or possessions, it will be a struggle to rebuild the area, especially because of its remoteness.

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Leoving

15/4/2010

My school seems to be experiencing better-than-ever quality amongst its teaching staff these days. Certainly, the current ten foreign teachers are as professional and reliable as any I've worked with over the last few years. So it was particularly sad to say goodbye last week to a top teacher - Leo [left in photo] - off to Eastern China to seek his fortune in the cabling market!? He was one of the few Chinese teachers who regularly interacted with the foreign teachers, helped by his fluent English, but also because he's a genuinely kind and outgoing chap. We're still in touch by e-mail. Next to him in the photo is Rex (who supplied the UFO photos in the previous blog entry) and then Sherry, my Chinese teacher. Robert and Rachel are in the middle, though I'm not sure who the strange guy in front of them is...?

In plane sight

14/4/2010

A Chinese teacher from my school showed me these photos last week and swears they are genuine. Taken on a phone camera from a plane window on a recent flight, he says there was a bright light below the plane, but above the clouds, which seemed to be tracking the plane. After a while it fly up above the plane, looking a lot less bright and more metallic, before shooting up out of sight. The photos look pretty impressive.

Burning issues

13/4/2010

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At the recent "Tomb Sweeping Festival", families gather at their ancestral graves to remember their dead family members. They burn a variety of symbolic objects which they hope will then materialise in the afterlife. Ava burnt fake money, but we also saw paper cars, little paper clothes, fake gold, etc. I've since seen even more extravagant items to burn, include paper credit cards, fake marriage certificates, various "birth control" items(!?), mahjong pieces, speedboats, jewellry, alcohol bottles and even paper buildings. And if you have a car materialise in the afterlife, you'll need to fuel it, hence this paper petrol station [see photo], rather disconcertingly called "Hell Gas Station". It makes you wonder where the family think the dead member ended up!